["It's nice to see you,"] + ["we should hang out / hang out" OR "let's get coffee "] + ["soon" OR "some time"]. Does this sound familiar? Do you regularly hear this as a parting message on brief/chance encounters? How often has this truly been followed up with any action?
In my experience, it has far too often been said when parting ways with somebody and very seldom been followed by action. In the months of December 2015 and January 2016, I can count over 20 times when people have said to me something like "yeah, let's catch up, I'll call you tonight!" or "I'll set up coffee for next week" only to find no follow up at all. Talk about inconsiderate!
This then reminds me of the proverb, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" which is an admonishment that a good intention is meaningless unless followed through. Unfortunately, my respect for these people gets chipped away a little bit every time something like this happens (sad to say it happens a lot with some people).
Earlier in my life, I would often part ways with people and say something like this. In the coming days/weeks/months, I would make an earnest effort to follow up and am happy to say that the majority of these were honoured... but, of course, I found myself struggling with the realities of finite resources (time, energy) for this. The problem for me was that, while the intention was genuine, it resulted in a lot of pressure because of an internal expectation that I'd imposed on myself. I often found myself wondering, why am I not simply grateful for the time I can spend with people I care about, rather than feeling guilty for wanting to spend more time with more people (and I sometimes don't even remember where this idea to hang out came from!)?
It's now been quite a few years that I've been working on breaking this habit. I'm still all over the map in terms of success, but I'm much better today than three years ago. Here's some of what I'm trying:
- Close brief/chance encounters with a simple "it was nice to see you," "take care," or something similar. Boom. Closure. No pressure.
- When people close with an open-ended "let's meet up," I try to give them an 'out' if it seemed to be purely a social nicety (often is), or confirm their commitment to it... then:
- Get a concrete plan set ASAP (date, start time, duration, location; usually within 2 days, otherwise drop it amicably). Set reminders to confirm the plan closer to the date. Follow through.
- Give myself permission to be by myself and not have to fill up the calendar with socials/activities. Something like the concept of self dating. Wonderful for rejuvenation.
Eh... anyways, this was a rambling post so I'll stop here. Don't feel like editing to structure the post :P
In summary, my feeling is that it really comes down to getting better at expectations management for yourself and with others. Would be interested to know your experience with stuff like this and your approach for it. Feel free to comment!